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You could be happy, I hope you are.
You made me happier than I'd been by far.
To Be With You - The Honey Trees
Boopdeloop. Hey guys, back with a new blog post. I know I haven't blogged in like a month or so, but hey, least I'm blogging now right? XD
Things.. haven't been very good these past few weeks, or for a month. Or least, I don't feel good. Have a lot to say but I don't think I'll be able to say everything since I was planning to sleep soon, and I just can't seem to string the words I want to say.
First of all, I feel like I lost everything. Literally, really, everything. The old me, whom was carefree, whom did not care of others' judgments, the old me, whom will not judge someone, at least not badly, the old me who'd put other s before her, my dignity, my respect. I feel like I lost it all. Yet I'm trying so hard to fight back for what's rightfully mine.
But really, am I creating these in my head, or did I really lost it all? For one, I really do think still sane and I know what I've got(or rather, I know what I don't have), I have proof, after all these years.
I'll fight and stand up for myself, no matter what. Even if it means losing the people I love, even if they are the people closest to me.
I can't make the same mistakes again. I can't.
And perhaps, I lost the old me on the way, fighting for myself for victory. I feel myself changing. I feel myself as a different person. This is not me.
On a lighter note, I feel that this year I've finally settled down. Sometimes, I do get carried away and get complacent but I try my best to calm myself and get my head straight on whether if what I'm doing right now will affect my future, and what is the right thing I'm supposed to do at the present time.
Who am I?
What have I done?
Who have I become?
Who am I....
These walls must be talking cause man, I can hear em'
She's perfect. *-*
So another unproductive day just passed, just like that. I feel so disappointed in myself today, for not doing everything I wanted to do. Only completed math homework and english article reflections, and it drained almost all the energy I've got today. Still haven't finished my ss links essay, physics homework, maths revision and I'm suppose to finish all this today T____T hopeless anabelle....
However, today is particularly blue, the air is clouded with nostalgia, sky felt green and room was turning white... Is it just me? I feel like I'm keeping too much, unsaid words are overflowing from the seams yet I'm wanting to stop it with a cork. I can't say, "I am honest!" as one of my proud qualities anymore. I can't say integrity is my first priority without feeling like a cheat.
Somehow, I am able to feel like this without lying.
I think it's just how open I think I should be to people, and when I don't, I feel like I'm a liar, a fake.
Maybe it's just the weather..
perhaps the weather....
yes the weather...
Deep Thoughts
Hey guys! Wow it's been 2months since I blogged huh! Well things have been going pretty well lately, haven't done much blogging b/c I'm just lazy, not in the mood to, and kinda busy (excuses).
Just wanted to jot down my thoughts in this post. I've been thinking a lot for these few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to cover everything I can remember right now, I don't wanna be adding in more stuff after I publish this hehe.
So a few days ago, I was doing a lot of thinking then, I realised I push people that are close to me, away a lot. Probably on purpose, prolly not, I don't know. I never really think of really pushing others away unless you're a fucking bitch ass that suck ups to everybody and think you're the best and look down on others, well then yes I'll push you away, I'll even push you off a building. It's like uhmm.. when someone new comes along and tries to get really close to you? Like they build their trust really fast and in a few days they're already sharing their secrets to you. And them, they automatically think that you will trust them as much as they had already trusted you, will want you to share your secrets too. I get uncomfortable and without knowing it myself I'll back off. Is it because I build my trust in people slower than what usual people do? Is that why I always end up building a wall around me?
Maybe this doesn't happen that much to new people I meet. What about the people I'm close to? The people I've built years of friendship, brick by brick?
It's been a weird behavior/habit of mine and I haven't really paid attention to it until that day when I thought about it.
So I went on google to search ''Why do I push people away'' LOL, and yeah lots of useful results came in. Clicked on a few forums and it seems that I'm not the only one with this problem. In fact there are many people doing it (guess I'm not abnormal afterall).
These people from the forums, came up with many possible solutions. Some say I have avoidant personality disorder (?), which I kinda agree (:P). Then some say fear, that if I get too close to someone else - being too reliant or dependent on them. Or the most common one, the fear that they could hurt me more if I get close to them, than if I was just distanced from them.
Another reason could be,
''so will reject others before the others get a chance to reject the avie.''
Well haven't got a clue what is an avie, I think it's the main person (?)
And of course, subconsciously backing off to see if someone will stay or not. If they give up and leave, they aren't suitable. And if they hang around, we push them harder -__-
They also said your childhood also affects what you are now, but I've never suffered any shock when I was a child, well, maybe, apart from G. But.. reeeeaaally? Maybe she was a best friend cum freaking monster and that prolly scarred me for life. I guess maybe I just don't want to go back to that day, huh.
till now I haven't got a clue what's with me. I think I'm just going to let nature take its course.
But I'm not going to do it anymore.
I do treasure my relationships with others and take it seriously.
However if I still do it, pardon me. I don't mean to, then again I do if you are ((insert 7th line of blog post here))
I hope our friendship will be swirl endlessly like the snowflakes in the highest mountains.
if you ever come back if you ever come back now
Do you remember what day today is?
Today is confession day.
I've waited for a gazillion years, just for this day to come, just to reminisce and cherish the preciousness of this annual day.
Do you remember? The hardest part of living is taking breaths to stay.
Waited, til' I lost tension from the anger devil.
I know I deleted many posts, I didn't know what I was doing or thinking, but this'll make up for it. Nothing I'm about to say here is to gain fame, pity, or beauty from.
Exams are over, even though I got distracted a lot in the last exam. Whatever I got, I deserve it.
Been thinking a lot, even though its only a day or two I stayed of that hellhole. I shouldn't have seen anything, I shouldn't have read everything. Right now I'm on the brink of tears, fighting back the lump in my throat.
“If one day you feel like crying... call me.
I don't promise that I will make you laugh
But I can cry with you.
If one day you want to run away, don't be afraid to call me.
I don't promise to ask you to stop,
But I can run with you.
If one day you don't want to listen to anyone, call me
I promise to be there for you,
But I also promise to remain quiet
But...If one day you call and there is no answer...
come fast to see me..
Perhaps I need you.”
- Robert J. Lavery
I hate myself, to the core. It's not only you that is against me. Everyone is, the world is, even I am against myself. I hate how I changed everything. I hate how I am still living. I hate what I am right now.
At times, I feel lonely and my heart wants my penguins back, but my brain will stop me, because this happened once before, I was a burden, a hindrance to success. I don't want to let it happen again, yet I still want to go back to where left off.
I'm torn.
It was entirely my fault. But I'm getting perpetually exhausted, tired. I want to stop trying, I feel like stopping, because it looks like I'm the only one trying. While everyone is like 'oh idgaf', you know, I don't know what to say. I'd naturally keep quiet until the subject is directed to another, or 'no, don't say that'.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to count you penguins as. Are we acquaintances or friends? That day when 'outsiders' asked me, I was tongue-tied. Maybe I should've said we were once close but then one day we drifted.
I really don't understand, sometimes penguins would say they never left in the first place, but on other days penguins would say we only wanted ______ and _____%#%#& urgh what I don't even understand what I'm saying now. You said you didn't leave, but you meant you did when you say we wanted you penguins back.
'Is there something or nothing you wanted to say?'
'That feeling, when half your bottle is filled with secrets, promises, insecurities, and the rest continues building up and they start to burst at the seams, overflowing'
Nobody understands, nobody does. The feeling when you keep everything to yourself for 80days. & when there's nobody you can trust to tell everything to, or there's really nobody physically, there at all and you're just fooling yourself.
You won't know how it feels to have your bottle filled up and the rest to overflow. I am like this because last time I had people I could talk to, but now I don't and I feel.. tensed. Like everyone is out to get me.
No matter how much I fool myself that I can make you happy again, the fact still boils down to this.
''I can't.''
''There's only one person in the world I can trust now..''
''Who? Annabelle?''
Getting to know the fact that she can't trust me after we had so much fun and reflection in a day, it kinda sucks. Especially when all I want was a trust-ful friend. Then, some things happen and I started distancing from everything emotionally, then to her, until finally, the rubberband broke.
“Friendship is a rubber band. It can either be stretched to its limit so
that it can hold the most number of things, or it can be stretched till
it breaks. If you stretch till it breaks, it means that the friendship
will not last. The one who stretches the rubber band is reality. Whether it holds or breaks doesn’t just depend on how strong the
love is. It depends on how aggressive reality is stretching as well. If
the rubber band has broken, there is no way to fix it.”
Is there really no way to fix it?
I never really mind much about their new friends. I even found it weird one day during lessons, that they talk a lot to their peers, but they never hung out.
I'm not snatching, well, I don't know, probably I am now that I'm wanting to take away half the time where they coulda hung out more if I didn't existed at all. I'm just saying I don't want my penguins to forget us completely. I know penguins is a weird word but I feel uncomfortable to 'you all you all'.
& I never wanted 24hrs at all.
'If I can't stop myself from seeing what I don't want to see, then I'll do it by force. If I can't stop myself from saying what I don't want to say, then I'll force myself. I'll cut my eyes out and I'll sew my mouth'
I lost my chance. Cried so much, shed so much red river, on a single picture. It fucking hurted a lot. But now I'm over the picture already. I am contented again, because your smile was beautiful, and you were happy and that's all that matters. The background does not mean a thing.
I do not have courage without you by my side
I can't smile like that. I'll be disappointing you if you expect I should. You're right, this, isn't the only problem for you and it isn't for me either. Month ago, I'm tied by whether I should forget liars, continue greeting two-faces with a smile. But in the end I decide to forgive and forget.
I'm a real person. I sin, I forgive and do good deeds(i don't know what is the opposite of sin), I smile when I'm happy, I brood when I'm sad. But I don't fake, unless I really have to, like infront of my family. But it's tiring, you will never know how it feels to be in my shoes.
Not everything was directed at you, but I will stay away from the hellhole to stop me from turning into a red devil. I will stop myself from brooding. I will stay away from the things you do. But if one day, one day, if I ever break my promise, then forgive me.
I feel very lost, everyone knows what they're doing and I don't even know what to do. It's like I don't even know where I'm going.
All I wanted to say was
I am sorry.
Burnt lungs
Still able to live, wake up to a memory, go to school, sleep and get ready for another day. Life goes on, but I am miserable at best.
Older Post
Memememe.
think about me
Anabelle
15.
'Maybe if you stand by the window where I stood, lie on the bed where I lay, read the books I read, then let's count that as us together.. if we can make that happen, we're as happy as any other lovers.'- Secret Garden ♥
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FORMSPRING
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JIAHUI
MEITING
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JEANIE
Still remember how we used to laugh?
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You could be happy, I hope you are.
You made me happier than I'd been by far.
To Be With You - The Honey Trees
Boopdeloop. Hey guys, back with a new blog post. I know I haven't blogged in like a month or so, but hey, least I'm blogging now right? XD
Things.. haven't been very good these past few weeks, or for a month. Or least, I don't feel good. Have a lot to say but I don't think I'll be able to say everything since I was planning to sleep soon, and I just can't seem to string the words I want to say.
First of all, I feel like I lost everything. Literally, really, everything. The old me, whom was carefree, whom did not care of others' judgments, the old me, whom will not judge someone, at least not badly, the old me who'd put other s before her, my dignity, my respect. I feel like I lost it all. Yet I'm trying so hard to fight back for what's rightfully mine.
But really, am I creating these in my head, or did I really lost it all? For one, I really do think still sane and I know what I've got(or rather, I know what I don't have), I have proof, after all these years.
I'll fight and stand up for myself, no matter what. Even if it means losing the people I love, even if they are the people closest to me.
I can't make the same mistakes again. I can't.
And perhaps, I lost the old me on the way, fighting for myself for victory. I feel myself changing. I feel myself as a different person. This is not me.
On a lighter note, I feel that this year I've finally settled down. Sometimes, I do get carried away and get complacent but I try my best to calm myself and get my head straight on whether if what I'm doing right now will affect my future, and what is the right thing I'm supposed to do at the present time.
Who am I?
What have I done?
Who have I become?
Who am I....
These walls must be talking cause man, I can hear em'
She's perfect. *-*
So another unproductive day just passed, just like that. I feel so disappointed in myself today, for not doing everything I wanted to do. Only completed math homework and english article reflections, and it drained almost all the energy I've got today. Still haven't finished my ss links essay, physics homework, maths revision and I'm suppose to finish all this today T____T hopeless anabelle....
However, today is particularly blue, the air is clouded with nostalgia, sky felt green and room was turning white... Is it just me? I feel like I'm keeping too much, unsaid words are overflowing from the seams yet I'm wanting to stop it with a cork. I can't say, "I am honest!" as one of my proud qualities anymore. I can't say integrity is my first priority without feeling like a cheat.
Somehow, I am able to feel like this without lying.
I think it's just how open I think I should be to people, and when I don't, I feel like I'm a liar, a fake.
Maybe it's just the weather..
perhaps the weather....
yes the weather...
Deep Thoughts
Hey guys! Wow it's been 2months since I blogged huh! Well things have been going pretty well lately, haven't done much blogging b/c I'm just lazy, not in the mood to, and kinda busy (excuses).
Just wanted to jot down my thoughts in this post. I've been thinking a lot for these few weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to cover everything I can remember right now, I don't wanna be adding in more stuff after I publish this hehe.
So a few days ago, I was doing a lot of thinking then, I realised I push people that are close to me, away a lot. Probably on purpose, prolly not, I don't know. I never really think of really pushing others away unless you're a fucking bitch ass that suck ups to everybody and think you're the best and look down on others, well then yes I'll push you away, I'll even push you off a building. It's like uhmm.. when someone new comes along and tries to get really close to you? Like they build their trust really fast and in a few days they're already sharing their secrets to you. And them, they automatically think that you will trust them as much as they had already trusted you, will want you to share your secrets too. I get uncomfortable and without knowing it myself I'll back off. Is it because I build my trust in people slower than what usual people do? Is that why I always end up building a wall around me?
Maybe this doesn't happen that much to new people I meet. What about the people I'm close to? The people I've built years of friendship, brick by brick?
It's been a weird behavior/habit of mine and I haven't really paid attention to it until that day when I thought about it.
So I went on google to search ''Why do I push people away'' LOL, and yeah lots of useful results came in. Clicked on a few forums and it seems that I'm not the only one with this problem. In fact there are many people doing it (guess I'm not abnormal afterall).
These people from the forums, came up with many possible solutions. Some say I have avoidant personality disorder (?), which I kinda agree (:P). Then some say fear, that if I get too close to someone else - being too reliant or dependent on them. Or the most common one, the fear that they could hurt me more if I get close to them, than if I was just distanced from them.
Another reason could be,
''so will reject others before the others get a chance to reject the avie.''
Well haven't got a clue what is an avie, I think it's the main person (?)
And of course, subconsciously backing off to see if someone will stay or not. If they give up and leave, they aren't suitable. And if they hang around, we push them harder -__-
They also said your childhood also affects what you are now, but I've never suffered any shock when I was a child, well, maybe, apart from G. But.. reeeeaaally? Maybe she was a best friend cum freaking monster and that prolly scarred me for life. I guess maybe I just don't want to go back to that day, huh.
till now I haven't got a clue what's with me. I think I'm just going to let nature take its course.
But I'm not going to do it anymore.
I do treasure my relationships with others and take it seriously.
However if I still do it, pardon me. I don't mean to, then again I do if you are ((insert 7th line of blog post here))
I hope our friendship will be swirl endlessly like the snowflakes in the highest mountains.
if you ever come back if you ever come back now
Do you remember what day today is?
Today is confession day.
I've waited for a gazillion years, just for this day to come, just to reminisce and cherish the preciousness of this annual day.
Do you remember? The hardest part of living is taking breaths to stay.
Waited, til' I lost tension from the anger devil.
I know I deleted many posts, I didn't know what I was doing or thinking, but this'll make up for it. Nothing I'm about to say here is to gain fame, pity, or beauty from.
Exams are over, even though I got distracted a lot in the last exam. Whatever I got, I deserve it.
Been thinking a lot, even though its only a day or two I stayed of that hellhole. I shouldn't have seen anything, I shouldn't have read everything. Right now I'm on the brink of tears, fighting back the lump in my throat.
“If one day you feel like crying... call me.
I don't promise that I will make you laugh
But I can cry with you.
If one day you want to run away, don't be afraid to call me.
I don't promise to ask you to stop,
But I can run with you.
If one day you don't want to listen to anyone, call me
I promise to be there for you,
But I also promise to remain quiet
But...If one day you call and there is no answer...
come fast to see me..
Perhaps I need you.”
- Robert J. Lavery
I hate myself, to the core. It's not only you that is against me. Everyone is, the world is, even I am against myself. I hate how I changed everything. I hate how I am still living. I hate what I am right now.
At times, I feel lonely and my heart wants my penguins back, but my brain will stop me, because this happened once before, I was a burden, a hindrance to success. I don't want to let it happen again, yet I still want to go back to where left off.
I'm torn.
It was entirely my fault. But I'm getting perpetually exhausted, tired. I want to stop trying, I feel like stopping, because it looks like I'm the only one trying. While everyone is like 'oh idgaf', you know, I don't know what to say. I'd naturally keep quiet until the subject is directed to another, or 'no, don't say that'.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what to count you penguins as. Are we acquaintances or friends? That day when 'outsiders' asked me, I was tongue-tied. Maybe I should've said we were once close but then one day we drifted.
I really don't understand, sometimes penguins would say they never left in the first place, but on other days penguins would say we only wanted ______ and _____%#%#& urgh what I don't even understand what I'm saying now. You said you didn't leave, but you meant you did when you say we wanted you penguins back.
'Is there something or nothing you wanted to say?'
'That feeling, when half your bottle is filled with secrets, promises, insecurities, and the rest continues building up and they start to burst at the seams, overflowing'
Nobody understands, nobody does. The feeling when you keep everything to yourself for 80days. & when there's nobody you can trust to tell everything to, or there's really nobody physically, there at all and you're just fooling yourself.
You won't know how it feels to have your bottle filled up and the rest to overflow. I am like this because last time I had people I could talk to, but now I don't and I feel.. tensed. Like everyone is out to get me.
No matter how much I fool myself that I can make you happy again, the fact still boils down to this.
''I can't.''
''There's only one person in the world I can trust now..''
''Who? Annabelle?''
Getting to know the fact that she can't trust me after we had so much fun and reflection in a day, it kinda sucks. Especially when all I want was a trust-ful friend. Then, some things happen and I started distancing from everything emotionally, then to her, until finally, the rubberband broke.
“Friendship is a rubber band. It can either be stretched to its limit so
that it can hold the most number of things, or it can be stretched till
it breaks. If you stretch till it breaks, it means that the friendship
will not last. The one who stretches the rubber band is reality. Whether it holds or breaks doesn’t just depend on how strong the
love is. It depends on how aggressive reality is stretching as well. If
the rubber band has broken, there is no way to fix it.”
Is there really no way to fix it?
I never really mind much about their new friends. I even found it weird one day during lessons, that they talk a lot to their peers, but they never hung out.
I'm not snatching, well, I don't know, probably I am now that I'm wanting to take away half the time where they coulda hung out more if I didn't existed at all. I'm just saying I don't want my penguins to forget us completely. I know penguins is a weird word but I feel uncomfortable to 'you all you all'.
& I never wanted 24hrs at all.
'If I can't stop myself from seeing what I don't want to see, then I'll do it by force. If I can't stop myself from saying what I don't want to say, then I'll force myself. I'll cut my eyes out and I'll sew my mouth'
I lost my chance. Cried so much, shed so much red river, on a single picture. It fucking hurted a lot. But now I'm over the picture already. I am contented again, because your smile was beautiful, and you were happy and that's all that matters. The background does not mean a thing.
I do not have courage without you by my side
I can't smile like that. I'll be disappointing you if you expect I should. You're right, this, isn't the only problem for you and it isn't for me either. Month ago, I'm tied by whether I should forget liars, continue greeting two-faces with a smile. But in the end I decide to forgive and forget.
I'm a real person. I sin, I forgive and do good deeds(i don't know what is the opposite of sin), I smile when I'm happy, I brood when I'm sad. But I don't fake, unless I really have to, like infront of my family. But it's tiring, you will never know how it feels to be in my shoes.
Not everything was directed at you, but I will stay away from the hellhole to stop me from turning into a red devil. I will stop myself from brooding. I will stay away from the things you do. But if one day, one day, if I ever break my promise, then forgive me.
I feel very lost, everyone knows what they're doing and I don't even know what to do. It's like I don't even know where I'm going.
All I wanted to say was
I am sorry.
Burnt lungs
Still able to live, wake up to a memory, go to school, sleep and get ready for another day. Life goes on, but I am miserable at best.
Older Post
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